Author Topic: Random Self-reflection  (Read 1739 times)

ArenMook

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Random Self-reflection
« on: March 03, 2014, 07:21:35 AM »
Have you ever had one of those days when you wake up in the morning thinking about something from years ago that you have all but forgotten about? Perhaps it was some event that you were particularly embarrassed about, or an opportunity you've missed, or just a person with whom you've been really close with but haven't spoken with in ages? And then one thing leads to another and you find yourself wondering how much everything has changed since that time long ago.

Yeah, I'm having one of those days.

Thinking back, I used to hold true to my belief that "people don't change". In fact it was my motto of sorts not long ago. And yet looking at myself today and comparing the "me" of today to "me" of years ago, I cannot deny a pretty noticeable difference. I remember years ago I used to write these epic novels on various topics -- mostly to myself, mind you... but now? I hardly have the time to look back and reflect. Days like today are now a rare breed.

I'll start with "today", as that's closer to what some of you may already know. Today I'm a fairly successful independent software developer with a messed-up sleeping schedule who is rarely seen at public events and gatherings. I'd even go as far as describing myself as antisocial. Some have said to me that I seem to have an abundance of patience to do what I do on my own for so many years and still calmly answer simple posts that basically ask me to teach the basics of Unity -- and I find that particularly revealing today as "patience" has never been my strong suit. In fact, the "me" from just 4 years ago was a blunt, arrogant and short-tempered person who has blown a fuse at stupid questions on more than one occasion. "What's a DLL?" another developer once asked me. That kind of stupid.

If you had told the "past me" that I would be dealing with similar questions on daily basis today, I would have laughed at the notion. In fact, when I started the whole NGUI ordeal, my friends were joking that they were giving me a maximum of one month before I flipped the desk. And yet, here we are, years later. But have I truly changed? I wouldn't say so. I would say I simply learned to deal with my short temper a little bit better. Not that well, mind you -- I still reply unkindly every once in a while to someone I perceive as being rude or purposely wasting my time -- but certainly better than before.

And speaking of something affected by perception, where does one draw the line between confidence and arrogance? After all, the difference between the two lies in knowledge. One is backed up by actual knowledge, while the other is backed up by mere pride. Perception further blurs the line, for someone with a short temper can easily come off as being arrogant simply because of unwillingness to expend time in order to explain the reasoning behind their statements. In the end, it's simply wiser not to insert one's self into conversations in order to "enlighten" anyone, as I've long ago learned. People will be wrong, but the life will go on. As it turns out it's always a much better idea to spend less time arguing and more time doing something productive anyway.

On the same note, I accomplish what I do by (mostly) working from home, which means I get very little interaction with the outside world. Many years ago I was a pretty social person. I was always outside dong something with friends or chased after girls -- you know, the typical guy stuff. Now that I'm older I find myself being able to count the number of friends I regularly stay in touch with by the fingers of a single hand. Many of my closest friends from years ago I haven't even seen in months. Some I've pushed away deliberately... but most simply drifted away on the winds of time. Some of them I find myself wondering about every so often -- those I've pushed away in particular -- but I never seem to reach out and reconnect. And I honestly don't know why. "Too busy" is the common excuse I give myself, and yet I know it to be a lie. It doesn't take much time to get back in touch. I've just never been good at it, I suppose. "Maybe some day they will contact me", I always think.

Right.

Maybe some day.